Little Orphan Annie

You might say my mother died and my father bailed. It never occurred to me to blame my father for anything. But a few years ago I heard my sister-in-law say to my brother, regarding their daughter:

Do you want to do to Kayla/Megan what your father did to Ann?

What did he do to me?

I suppose I should have asked her but I didn't. We don't ask those sorts of questions in my family. I suppose that's one thing my father did to me. Make any questions regarding emotion VERBOTEN.

I love how my brother is with his daughters, my nieces. It's clear he cherishes them. Respects them. Wants the best for them. Will go to great lengths to get the best for them. They are not afraid of him.

I was terrified of my father but in an odd way. He wasn't a bad man. He wasn't violent. He didn't drink. He turned his paycheck over to my mother and she ran the household.

I guess I felt I never measured up. I felt my father disdained me. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't outgoing. I wasn't kind. After my mother died I was so relieved when he finally started dating. Then his happiness was off my shoulders.

I know my brother sees things differently. He thinks my father was happy more or less. Yes, a tragic thing happened...his wife dying so young. But he survived. He didn't melt down. He worked and paid the bills and we never wanted for anything.

We even travelled to Disneyworld that Christmas break. It was a weird vacation. No mention made of the mother who had died just that past thanskgiving. Not a word.

How can you not enjoy Disneyworld, and I did, yes, although I remember a parade through Fanstasy Land or something--the big ass parade with all the characters...

And that depression swept over me. That sudden emptiness, dread, and fear that had plagued me all my childhood--coming on for no apparent reason. And I went empty. Silent. No emotion. I couldn't smile I couldn't speak. Just numb. It wasn't deliberate. My father was angry at me. I didn't mean to.

It wore off in a few hours and I was okay. I was 13, my mother was dead 2 months after an agonizing projected horrible painful sickness. It wasn't the death it was the screaming in pain. No of course it was the death I kissed her forehead and she died the next day. I was at a bonfire. She insisted we go. She didn't want her dying to spoil our fun.

It wasn't fun. IT WASN'T FUN

what the fuck was wrong with you people you leave a 13 year old girl to handle death and pain and agony alone alone alone you do not talk to her you do not comfort her? what was wrong with you people?

sorry/\
bai