My first period story is worse than yours. I was 12. My mother was dying of cancer. She couldn't help me. I couldn't tell her. I was too ashamed.
I'd read about menstruation. I knew what it was. I wasn't Carrie, although I can relate.
I started bleeding and bleeding and I knew everyone could smell the stink the morass the swamp. I had no pads nor any way to get them. I was too strangling tongue-tied to ask for them. You see why I took to drink.
A part of me knew it was ridiculous this inability to tell.
When I was younger I had a urinary tract infection. I was too embarrassed to tell my mother my pee was burning. Or that my pee had turned to blood and stung so bad the tears poured more than the urine but i stayed silent. So bad i was incontinent and could not stop peeing mostly blood and agony.
Somehow I managed to mumble something. Mommy took me to the doctor. I overheard her say she thought I'd gotten my period cuz I mentioned blood. The doctor gave me a pill that turned my pee orange and gave me blessed relief.
Just like that. All I had to do was talk.
All I couldn't do was talk. I COULDN'T TALK.
My father yelling at me that I was making no sense over the phone. I hated phones. I never knew what to say. "Don't be so stupid just talk". They mocked me cuz I never knew what to say when i called someone so I said nothing and the person on the other end of the line had to pry it out of me.
you see why I took to drink. Blessed relief. Tongue untied.
so when i got my period I used toilet paper and scotch tape. I wiped myself and wiped myself til there wasn't a trace of blood left...less to spill. I clogged toilets with bloody rolls of toilet paper and I burned in shame trying to unclog with a ruler...i didn't know how to use a plunger.
You couldn't just look shit up on the internet then.
you were supposed to know. How? dunno.
I went to school with taped toilet paper and knew everyone could smell the blood. I never smelled anyone else's blood but I knew mine was particularly malodorous because I was a dirty gir.
I'd been masturbating as long as I could remember...age 4 ...5...and on up with a wave a tidal wave of shame following climax. I don't know how i learned this.
I bled profusely. I bled on my cousin's sheets. (Why didn't you TELL me you got your period? I told you.) Tell you? Why? Why would I tell anyone? It was horrible. Disgusting. Painful.
The cramps. OMG chewing aspirin till my stomach was pierced with glass it seemed and my ears rang tingling with the glass. Took my mind off the sickening all-body cramps.
And, oh. to writers? Stephen King and I don't know who else but they always seem to write that aspirin is bitter.
Dumbasses. Aspirin isn't bitter
Aspirin is SOUR and not in a good way...it's an acid. Sour...a sour taste when Jack Nickolson or Johnny or whoever chews his aspirin, Mr. King. Sour not bitter. It matters. You've obviously never chewed aspirin yourself.
No wonder Olive Oil's gone mad. Stanley Kubrick drove her there. but hey, ART.
When Motrin came out it was blessed releif. Blessed. Never chewed a motrin. Never had to. they worked.. I wasn't desperate.
My mother, too sick to shop for menstrual pads, sent me with my grandparents to the drug store. I'd assumed she'd told HER mother what I needed. I was wrong. I couldn't speak the words. I couldn't ask for pads. I was too embarassed. We came home empty. Mommy was mad. Ridiculous what was wrong with me?
So I went without that much longer. Who cared? Who was I? The girl I didn't matter.
NO ONE TOLD ME ANYTHING. no one said she's dying. i found out the day she died.
fuck you all.
what you did to an 11-12-13 year old girl. You're all dead now you adults. Good. Good on ya.
I never had kids. I wouldn't know what to do with them. I'd mess them up...hand down defective genes.
I have cats now. Cats I can mostly understand. I can talk to cats.
My roomate has dogs he talks to the dogs.
between us we manage to say what needs to be said.
Others think he's weird. I don't see it. I know that says less about his weirdness than about my inablilty to detect it.
Anyway...all i want is peace. just to be left in peace these last remaining days of my life.
I
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