what's your favorite color, Sybil

of course i can't answer that question.
of course i go into ptsd meltdown whenever i am asked:

what is YOUR favorite...anything.

I have no single favorites.
Cuz I have no single identity.

It always puzzled me why such an innocuous question sent my brain into spins. What was wrong with me? Was I afraid if I picked one favorite, every other choice would be taken from me forever?

Actually, when I was diagnosed with Dissociative  Identity Disorder it made sense. Because there was a competition set off with several different identities chiming in:

YELLOW but only bright neon yellow
RED no red is the color of blood no not red
PINK is such a girly color seriously
BLUE ah, hell everyone likes blue that's so boring...

I've started saying BROWN. I do like brown. It embodies different colors, like black, but softer. Chocolate...tree bark...dirt LOL

But I do love a certain red. A blackened, candy-apple shiny red.

I have it on my nails. (right hand) with a sparkly holographic gold accent nail and a vinyl-stenciled kitty in gold with the red over. The red I won in a competition. It is Cirque Garnet. I won a whole collection...I was amazed...the colors are amazing but that's another post.

I've always enjoyed painting my nails. I'm grateful to Cristine of Simply Nailogical for giving me permission to have different colors on my 10 different nails cuz some days I just

CAN'T DECIDE WHAT COLOR I WANT'

so now I paint my nails with a theme but not all alike. I do one or two nails at a time. I layer. I add stamps...vinyls...this nail art thing has me hopping.

My nails are nicely shaped and grow fairly well. They always have. Even as a kid. I thought of my nails as "My One Beauty". (I think I got that from Little Women) I remember my first alternative color. It was green. It was called "Militant Mint". I don't remember the brand. I got it in a drugstore. I was 11? 12? Looking at painted nails soothes me.

chips and smudges enrage me. Quick-dry top coats have saved my sanity. I finally broke down and bought a gel system. It wasn't that expensive, considering it has saved me from despair. I mix regular and gel polishes, which they say you can't do. I talk back to DIY manicure videos on Youtube. I've gone rather mad.

Which is ok. DID isn't as crazy as you might think. I don't have fugue states. Even Sybil wasn't as crazy as the book and movie made her out to be. Hidden memories can be dangerous. Easily manipulated. I don't have any recovered memories.

I remember what i remember and no one abused me growing up. I think I just had an over-complicated brain plopped down into a overly simplified life. I was not understood. But I was very very quiet.

I still am.

But people are surprised today when I say I'm shy. I can't imagine what they think of me? Stuck up maybe? Why don't I come across as shy? I don't know. Maybe I never was shy. Maybe it was something else. Maybe only one part of me was shy. Maybe another part was Ethyl Merman

more will be revealed