Moving away from home was epic for me. Cuz people in my family didn't move away. My mother settled one street away from her mother. My father's folks were just up the road in the same small town. We vacationed at the Jersey Shore, the closest beach to home--Atlantic City before the casinos. Hot buttered corn on the cob. Ferris wheels we didn't go on because there were ferris wheels at home. This was vacation. We did beach things. Body surfing the waves mostly. I remember the bed would seem to shift and swirl--my head was still riding the waves.
My uncle, my mother's brother told me: stay in Dupont cuz taxes were low. That was the only endorsement. Low taxes. Well, there were few amenities so yeah, taxes were low.
It was like the colleges who bragged about parking. Parking? That's the finest thing about your institution?
I ended up going to the college my brother went to to save on tuition. It was good for pre-med, which i was for one semester. I changed to English cuz I had vague dreams...but I never acted on it. I was accepted to 3 schools for MFA in playwriting but I chose to work for an insurance company a few miles from home instead.
My dreams were limited. I was never encouraged except by one professor at Scranton U.
I didn't know how limited I was. Cuz this was all I knew. I saw tv shows where young women had mentors who helped them spread their wings and fly.
I always wanted a mentor. I never got one.
There's something very wrong with me. I put people off. The come with enthusiasm and leave scratching their heads.
"She's a funny girl" my aunt said.
To this day I haven't figured out how to be acceptable. But I am happier.
I was showing my ID when I first moved to Key West...the photo on the ID had been taken when I was living in Pennsylvania. The person looked at the ID. Looked at me. Looked again. then she said, nicely, "You must have been very unhappy there"
It shows. It shows in the face i guess. the knitted brows relax. the perpetual frown lessens and almost becomes a smile.
It just struck me that a stranger had to point it out. I hadn't noticed.
They say you can't run from your problems...you take yourself with you. Well, sort of. Sometimes the place you live is not the right place for you. I still love to visit my family. But I've blossomed in Key West. It's a healing kind of place.
The inner and the outer world are never insync with who or what we are unless we pay attention to what is being projected by us, and reflected by "them" or it. When we do this little thing, we begin to "see" what "they see" is mind expansion at it's very best. Key West is that kind of "in your face" kind of place, simply because it will not allow you to live on cruise control, it moves too fast for that. The hardest thing in the world to do fully and completely, is to let go of the past. Realistically there is no future in holding onto things that we have outgrown, or the people there that we no longer know, perhaps never did. The realization that they are simply a means to an end, (our birth channel to life) and that we came through them because they were the catalyst's we needed to be able to do what we came here to do, is our very real link to freedom. We are not where we come from. The ejection of them, or in some instances rejection of our own needs, is our choice. Sometimes we need controversy to provide us with the energy needed to move on. You have had so very many opportunities made available to you, now you have the knowledge available to you to be able to utilize them completely. When something challenges you it means that you are going in the right direction, without challenge there is no growth. If you quit when you are challenged you lose the emphasis needed for your own future plans and inspirations. The challenge here is to pick a path, determine where the directive is, and focus on the goal completely until it is reached without allowing yourself to distracted, or discouraged by outside influences. Make you the priority of the now. With your knowledge, your experiences, and your talent, there are no limits holding you back anymore. You are free. Blessed Be.
ReplyDelete